is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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