I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
