can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
