like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
