if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
