My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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