At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
