they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
