Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize