Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
