??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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