his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
