Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
