last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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