Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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