I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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