I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
