u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.