Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I told you penises don't tan
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I need water and some morals