This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
