I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
