Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hippo gnu deer
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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