this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
