I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
