Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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