Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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