birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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