It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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