I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
