I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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