Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
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i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
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Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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