I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
