I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
