Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
