So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
