i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i think i just naturally attract stoners
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
