Jerry, you need to find god
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
