Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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