once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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