:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
