and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
