i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
