um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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