we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
