just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Randomize
