insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
