Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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