Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
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I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
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I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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