No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Vodka?
Forever.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
