Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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