She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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