FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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