How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
