You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
