Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
