He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You pole danced in your parka.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
